Posted by Anonymous on 2013/07/10 under Uncategorized I cry when I get yelled at. I cry when I’m not succeeding my expectations. People’s expectations ,in which I’ve let down, is like an annoying bug that won’t leave you ALONE. I constantly think about a mistake…all day long. Weeks. Months. Years… Though judgement will always be a part of your life, it’s terrifying to a person like me. I don’t like when people stare; I start think that everyone will stare at me and judge. Of course you brush them away, but it’s damaging to people like me. It lowers my self-esteem. I started to compare myself to other people, but I stopped since I realized that everyone’s experience is different in life. I believe what people tell about me, and those beliefs made me more apathetic than usual. Society made me feel ugly, fat and hopeless. “Self-shaming”. It’s like being in a time in your life where you’re badly injured, or teased by people,or speaking at public places. And in those times, something went wrong for you or around you. And when you’re faced with that same situation, it’s like you’re almost suffocating, or if you feel crying or fainting or just exploding in anger. The feeling builds and builds. I predicts things way before it even happens, and there usually bad. I then avoid those social situations where there is a lot of attention on me. Attention is the worst for people like me. Attention brings people, to staring, to judgements, then flashbacks, and comes overwhelming sensations that feels like it’s going to kill me. It makes me feel like failure, and hopeless to feel better. I’ll always be afraid to ‘live and learn’ and make mistakes. I am a negative thinker. But I need to become a positive thinker. And maybe you can understand why some people usually sit far away from others, or quickly look away. I’m one of those people. But I live. I learn how to somehow control it. The key is to change the way you think of yourself. Mind you, that I’m still in this process. It helps, it takes time. I improve slowly and comfortably. I know there others who have way worse, but I know the feeling. It sucks. But hang in there. -Thanks for reading 🙂